And After All
by KellyBallerina
Summary: It's funny how you can just put away upsetting things that have happened in your life. You just lock them a way in a cupboard where they sit quietly, ideally forever. I only had one cupboard, but it definitely was a very big and full one. Read and Review.
1. Prolouge

**Hey everybody. Okay so this is my first fan fiction. I know it looks so typical Jiley fanfic right now, but trust me, there is a plot to it. Please read and review.

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**It's funny how you can just put away upsetting things that have happened in your life. You just lock them a way in a cupboard where they sit quietly, ideally forever. I only had one cupboard, but it definitely was a very big and full one. Its name was Jake Ryan. Every so often this said cupboard would rattle and Jake would be brought to the forefront of my mind, a place where he is very comfortable. Today was one of those days.

I sat on my bed on Tuesday night going through my memory box. I was in one of those irrational sentimental moods and had to just remember things. I came upon one of my old song books. Daddy always used to write my Hannah songs, but that never prevented me from trying to write something on my own. The majority of my songs ended up being pretty craptastic, but once in a while I would find a melody or a lyric that was really perfect. I opened the book to see at what stage of my song writing these were.

The first song I had written just after I had told Lily the Hannah secret. It was about things happening for good reasons and that regrets are a waste of time. I am so glad Lily found out about Hannah. I never could have made it through some of the things that have been thrown at me without Lily, or Lola, by my side.

The next song was written when I found our Oliver was in love with Hannah. It was about my fear of ruining the friendship we had because he was in love with my alter ego. In the end he found out though, that I am really Hannah, and he got over his love for my other half.

The thing I love the most about being a musician is that whenever I have an emotion that I am not sure about how to express, I write a song. There was a song in this book about my dad having a new girlfriend, one about Jackson, and one about a boyfriend who didn't like Hannah Montana. Even though few of them were very good, they were still very important to me, like an old diary.

I turned to the last song in the book and my blood turned to ice. At the top of the page there was a big red heart and the words Miley and Jake inside it. Surrounding that was my doodling of Mrs. Miley Ryan, my immature fantasy. It didn't even matter to me what the song was written about or what part of our complicated relationship we were in at that time. My thoughts had returned to the one thing I always tried to keep them away from. Jake Ryan.

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I finally had some down time, a pleasure I hadn't been given in quite some time. The sad thing was that I had nobody to share my free time with. As an actor, I have a lot of co-stars, people I hang out with for the press, and tons of fans. I will just admit it. I have no friends. I did once, but like everything else, that didn't work out too well. I forbid myself from thinking about that. Memories like those hurt too much, and I was already feeling badly about myself.

Being the friendless loner that I am, I sat down on my leather couch and turned on the television. MTV was on, and I was just fine with that. Mind numbing music videos were just what I needed to calm me down. Why could I not have taken that job in New York? My agent wanted to give me a chance to relax. Seriously, I'm Jake Ryan. I don't need to relax. I need to be kept busy so I can hide behind the facade that I have a great life.

Mykayla's If Cupid Had A Heart was playing on the video flow. That was exactly what I needed. Mykayla and I had done a movie together a while back. I really liked hanging out with her. She was a pretty awesome girl, but I couldn't stand her hate for Hannah Montana. It wasn't so much that she hated her, but more that she talked about her constantly, and Hannah was not somebody I had needed to be reminded about at the point in time. In fact, I still don't like to think about Miley, and avoid parties if I hear that Hannah is supposed to be there. Damn. Listening to Mykayla was supposed to put me at ease, not make me think about Miley Stewart.

I flipped to a news station, anything to distract me from Mykayla, Miley, and Hannah. There was a story about endangered animals in zoos. Perfect. Nothing like a little pointless animal story to clear my mind. The man on the screen asked people to donate to the wildlife fund that was being advertised.

I soon grew bored and stitched the television back to MTV, assuming Mykayla's song was over. The song was indeed over. Some Jesse McCartney single was playing now. Wonderful. Nothing about Jesse could remind me of my past. Jesse was actually a decent guy. I remembered meeting him once and telling him that with a smile like his, he must have girls all over him. Lily once told me that Jesse had asked out Hannah. Damn. I'm back to this again. I watched Jesse move on the television screen and was instantly jealous. My Miley dating Jesse McCartney pushed me over the edge. I was furious.

I suddenly felt very pathetic. Here I was, on my rare day off, sitting on my couch alone watching music videos on MTV, trying to get my mind off of my ex-girlfriend, and furious at a random guy for asking her out. I really needed to get myself some friends.

The song changed, and, no surprise, One In A Million started playing. I switched off the television. In my current state of mind, there was no way I could sit and watch as my Miley sang and danced with random, male, dancers on a screen in front of me. Not only was it Hannah Montana's song, but it was the first song Miley had written herself. She wrote it a year ago. The boy referred to as being one in a million was none other than yours truly, Jake Ryan.

I got off my couch and went outside to my balcony, making sure quickly that it was not dark out yet. I sat down on my swing and surrendered myself to reliving my time with the one person I always try to keep off my mind. Miley Stewart.

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**Okay tell me what you think. Should I continue it into a story, or is it really awful? this was more of like a prologue. In the next chapter I am going into both Miley and Jake's heads of what happened with their past. Please tell me what you think.**


	2. Chapter One: Memories

**I am very sorry for not adding in a long time. I had this partly written but I just didn't like the way it sounded.**

Sometimes, I really wish I could just forget the past I shared with Jake Ryan. I want to forget that feeling of having my heart shattered into a million pieces, but knowing there was no way we could be together. I wish my heart wouldn't react when I saw his name in an article or his face in a tabloid. More than anything, I wish he was still mine to love and have, or at least to be my friend.

It is hard to say if I ruined it or if he did. Our relationship really should have failed right from the beginning. Jake is an actor, and a teen heartthrob too. Travelling all over the world, who were we trying to kid that he could date Miley Stewart, a nobody from Malibu. In hindsight, I think he and Hannah Montana would have had a much better, lasting relationship, but thinking about what could have been is not going to help us now.

He would be completely justified in saying our failure at love was totally my fault. I was the one who refused to give him a second chance. I was the one who had a problem with his fans following us around. I was the one who tried to sabotage the relationship so that he would break up with me. I was the one to break both of our hearts.

Jake, on the other hand, was not exactly a perfect boyfriend either. I have to give him points for persistence though. He really did care about me. He used his gorgeous co-stars to make me jealous, and he was the one to make a move on me. But that first kiss, well, I wouldn't change that for the world. It didn't really help that he was leaving the next day to go to Romania, but it was still an amazing kiss. I wish though, that he would have waited until after his movie to kiss me like that. What a nice guy; kisses a girl that is in love with him, and then goes to the other side of the world for six months. Not a day went by during that half a year when I didn't lie on my balcony late at night and think of him, hoping that seven thousand miles away, he was looking at the same stars, thinking of me.

Then Jake brought his beautiful self back into my town and my life six months after breaking my heart. I tried my hardest to resist his attempts to win me back, but he was stubborn as ever, and, like always, his smile made my heart melt. After countless baskets of flowers, muffins, and steaks that Daddy and Lily both sure loved, I finally admitted to him that I still cared about him. Jake then went and broke my heart again, telling me he already had a date to his premier that night. I threw him out of my house and bawled my eyes out on my bed for hours.

The red carpet special before the premier was televised, and due to my extreme lack of self control, I watched it. I instantly regretted it when I saw some slutty brunette hanging off of the arm of the boy I was in love with. I considered turn off the premier show, but it turns out I'm glad I didn't. Jake confessed on live national television that he was in love with me but had screwed it up and wasn't going to get his happy ending. After rewinding that segment of the show on my pvr, I decided to go to the premier and surprise him once it was done. Admitting to the entire country that he was in love with me took a lot of guts, and I thought maybe he did deserve another chance. After the movie, I met a shocked Jake Ryan, who I told that I was in love with him, and that sometimes real life does have happy endings. We then shared the most perfect kiss, despite the millions of flash bulbs exploding around us.

That was the first hint that Jake and Miley might not work out so well. My entire life was about hiding from the press. I created an alter ego just so that I could have a normal life. While dating Jake, there was no way I wouldn't be bombarded by the paparazzi. Hannah Montana may be used to being in the public eye, but Miley Stewart sure wasn't. Jake Ryan existed to be in the limelight, and that was just something I couldn't handle.

Jake had this amazingly sweet side to him that made me hate his awful side even more. I could tell that deep down, he was a real person, and an amazing one at that. I just wish that he had shown it more often. Even the tiniest bit more humility might have saved our relationship. Sometimes it was perfect. He was Jake Ryan for God's sake. He swept me off my feet, dropped from the sky wearing a tuxedo, handing me roses, and ultimately took my breath away. He bought and named a star after me. He trusted me with his biggest secret, that his name is really Leslie.

In return, I was horrible to him. I lied constantly about having plans just to keep the Hannah secret safe. I don't know why I didn't trust him. He trusted me so easily. I felt horrible lying to him, and yet I had no strong urge to tell him about Hannah until I went and read to that kindergarten class. After that I knew I had no choice. Thinking back, I really shouldn't have told him. Then maybe Hannah would have had a chance at love with Jake. But no, I had to feel guilty and tell him my secret.

Jake never understood the need for a normal life. I have always loved that I am able to live a life as an average teenager. I hated the attention that dating Jake Ryan gave me, and he was unable to act normal, even when he was disguised as somebody else. It killed me to know that it wasn't going to work out. I really did love a part of him, but I couldn't stand the rest of him. I searched endlessly but couldn't seem to find the guy who told me he wished he could turn off the star treatment, the guy who told me he loved me on national television, the guy who gave me a star.

In the end, everything backfired on me. I thought that I couldn't dump him because he would get mad and tell my secret, so I came up with this ridiculous plan to get him to dump me. After the premier we attended, he found out about the whole thing, and I finally told him all the things I couldn't stand about him. I told him I was scared he would get mad and tell my secret. That did make him mad, finding out that I thought so low of him. He stormed out of my house, threatening to fulfill what I had originally thought he would do, expose me. I was left incredibly heartbroken. Because of one stupid plan, I had lost the guy I was in love with, and on horrible terms, and was in fear of also losing my identity.

Leslie, the sweet boy I loved, sent me flowers telling me he was sorry things couldn't work out between us. I let him go, knowing that as much as I loved him, it wasn't to be. At the time I believed that maybe we would find each other one day when we had both grown up a bit more. For two months after that, whenever I heard a cell phone ring out 'If We Were A Movie' or 'One In A Million' a part of me would wish it was Jake calling me. I'm just going to come right out and admit it. I missed him. I missed Leslie, the boy I gave my heart to, not Jake Ryan, the heartthrob who I dated and who broke my heart. I wanted back my Leslie, but I knew how impossible it was.

I decided, after months of trying to sew together the pieces of my broken heart that I was just going to forget about him. He had obviously forgotten about me long before that. I saw pictures of him making out with some blond only weeks after our break up. That was so like him. Jake Ryan doesn't get heartbroken. He doesn't get torn up when he breaks up with his girlfriend. He moves on instantly. Knowing that just killed me more. I couldn't be outside after dark just in case I accidentally saw the star he gave me. I felt empty for months. Then I decided enough was enough. Jake Ryan didn't care about me, so I wasn't going to care about him.

Periodically, somebody would say something, or I would find a keepsake, that would jog my memory of him. It hurt every single time. Just when I thought I could forget him and move on and be happy, I would start to remember. Memories can be great, but sometimes amnesia would be much better. A heartbreak hurts just as much the second, third, tenth time as it did the first.

Despite how much it hurt and continues to hurt me every day, I can't bring myself to regret my relationship with Jake. If nothing else, it taught me a lot about who I can trust and what to do with that trust. I could easily place all the blame of our failures on myself, and that is probably fair. If I ended it, though, why am I the scared one, still scared to mention and recall the relationship, and why is he the one without a scratch on his heart, sucking the face off of a slutty blonde in front of all the tabloids. Neither Hannah nor Miley has dated since Jake, and I don't see that changing any time soon.

I have come to realize that both Hannah and Miley are pretty awful people. Hannah always has a new escort to premier parties just in case Jake Ryan happens to make an appearance. I know he looks me up on perez every now and then. I had my laptop set to track when activity from his computer had any contact with anything that mentioned me. He keeps tabs on me, just like I do on him, and checks up on me at least once a month. I let myself feel a small amount of joy about the fact that he still cared enough about me to see what was going on in my life.

I simply gave up on trying avoiding it, and walked to my balcony. It was a perfect night, with millions of stars shining in the sky above me. Finding my star after all that time came easily to me, like riding a bicycle. It felt so safe and familiar to be lying on my balcony floor, staring up at Miley, one of the brightest stars in the sky.

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Miley Stewart was the only thing in the world that made me resent my fame and stardom. If I was normal, if she was Hannah all the time, if she was a normal girl who would throw herself at me with no hesitation, if she actually cared about me, maybe things could have worked between us. If, if, if. Ifs are the only thing left in our relationship, a relationship she abandoned as soon as it began. She is my other resentment; I never should have allowed myself to become involved with her.

Every moment we shared came flooding back to me in an instant. I fell for Miley from the moment I first laid eyes on her. She was beautiful, perfect, but more than that, she was the only one who resisted me. I was not at all used to somebody who keeps a clear head in my presence. Even more than not falling for me, Miley hated me at first. That infuriated me. I am a greedy person; I always want what I cannot have. Miley gave me the perfect opportunity to let my greed take control of me. I wanted her more than I have ever wanted something or somebody in my entire life.

I guess you could say it was my greed and persistence that tore us apart in the end. I was so adamant to have her as mine that I never considered the consequences of pursuing her right before my departure to Romania.

I guess my desertion planted the first seed of doubt into Miley's mind. During my six months away, Miley was the only thing on my mind when I was not on set. When I closed my eyes and thought strongly of her, I could almost feel her lips on mine, her petite body in my arms, her voice whispering my name. I think she hated me for leaving her the way I did. I sent her multiple emails while I was away and never received a single reply. I knew I had messed up, but I had hoped for redemption. Her silence scared me. I thought I would be refused a second chance when I returned home to her.

My worst fears proved to be justified when I finally wrapped the shoot and returned to Malibu. Instead of running into my arms as I had hoped, Miley was full of rage and anger. Nothing I did would convince her I was worthy of another chance. I did absolutely everything I possibly could. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined skydiving onto Malibu beach carrying roses and chocolates, all to impress a girl. I had never needed to impress any girls until that point. I was used to being trampled by female admirers, and for the first time in my life, I was at a loss in regards to a member of the opposite sex. I didn't know what to try next once she had repeatedly turned me down, hit me, and poured things on me. My heart was breaking from Miley's rejections.

Little did I know that it would be the first of many heartbreaking encounters with Miley Stewart.

To this day, I don't know what possessed me to announce on nationwide television that I was in love with Miley. I supposed it just seemed like the right thing to do, the best way to win her back. I can't say if I wish I hadn't done that. Maybe if I had been more subtle and dragged things out longer between us, it would have ended differently. Maybe we never would have gotten back together. Maybe it would have ended on even worse terms. But I can't change the past now, so all I am left with is uncertainty and possibly regrets. So much has happened that I no longer know what to feel towards Miley.

Whether it was smart or not, I did announce to the world that I was in love with Miley, and I guess at the time it worked out well. That is how I eventually won her back. She surprised me after my premier, and for the first time, made me believe that this disaster of a relationship we had might actually work out. The little bit of time we were able to spend together might just have made our whole ordeal bearable. That first night we spent at her house was really special, despite the fact that Mr. Stewart didn't give us a moment to ourselves. I loved spending time with her, and cherished every moment I had.

Apparently, she had other thoughts. I pride myself in the fact that no matter what she did to me, I remained the perfect boyfriend. I was completely honest with her about everything. I told her my deepest secrets, I dulled down my movie star life, I even bought her a star, and she was still unable to be truthful to me.

What hurt me the most was not the awful end to our relationship, but the fact that if Miley had been honest with me, we probably could have stayed together. She didn't trust me enough to tell me about the problems she had that eventually killed both of us. That is the only thing I cannot forgive Miley for. I understand that maybe she was not comfortable enough with me at the time to tell me about her Hannah secret, especially after I had left town right after winning her over six months earlier. But even if she couldn't trust me with that, she at least could have told me that she thought I was an awful, egotistical jerk.

Miley humiliated me that day at the premier party. Of course Little Miss Hannah Montana couldn't handle the attention being about me instead of her. She just had to go and put on a duck dress and act like the biggest embarrassment of my life. And after that, she even had the nerve to blame me. So what if I don't know what it's like to be a normal teenager. I have no interest in being a normal teenager. What would possess a celebrity to want to be average? I mean, giving up my attention is not something I would ever want to do. So I still don't see how she could expect me to be a master at normalcy when it is something I have never wanted to try.

Even in my anger that night, I still was not prepared to break up with Miley. She didn't understand what I wanted and needed, but I thought that once she did, we could be happy together again. She needed attention, and accused me of being egotistical? That was the biggest joke of the whole ordeal. I could still handle all of this. The one thing that got to me, the other thing that will never allow me to forgive her, was her accusation towards my loyalty. How could she think I would tell her secret if I got mad? All along I had tried to convince her that I was genuinely a good guy, but I suppose she never believed a word of it. I would have never intentionally hurt somebody I cared about that way. And telling Miley's secret defiantly counts as hurting somebody I loved.

I said it, I loved her. Maybe I still do love Miley. All I know is that I cared much more about her than she did for me. She never admitted to actually caring about me. I told her my secrets before she ever imagined telling me hers. I trusted her with my life, and she couldn't trust me with a secret that would jeopardize hers, so she thought she couldn't break up with me.

There are a lot of things Miley would have been completely justified in calling me. It is true that I am conceited, greedy, spoiled, and probably not the best guy out there, but the one thing she cannot say a word against is my honesty and trustworthiness. I have never told a lie in my life, and she lives a lie. But somehow she still has the never to not trust me?

Maybe it was wrong of me to threaten to reveal her. But did she honestly think that was something I was capable of doing? I was angry with her and wanted to hurt her, but I never would have actually done anything. I felt guilty about hurting her and I didn't want her to doubt me, so I sent her roses, not as bigheaded Jake Ryan, but as the nice small town Leslie that I hoped she still knew existed.

I have never see Miley or Hannah since then. I avoid parties and events where she will likely make an appearance. I check up on her online every now and then; I know she does the same for me. I'll admit that I want her to be jealous. I always bring a different date to every event I show up at, each one sluttier than the previous. She had hurt me terribly, so I found a small amount of joy in thinking of how she would feel about seeing a photo of me and my gorgeous blonde co-star making out at a party, just weeks after the break up with Miley. I guess that makes me sadistic, but I wanted her to feel the pain she had inflicted on me.

Miley Stewart was a topic I liked to avoid. After a month of being unable to survive without her, I simply decided to block all thoughts of her from my mind. This worked for a while, but she is an international celebrity. It was kind of hard to do. My biggest regret of all was buy that star for her, not because it was expensive or a waste, but because it is one of the brightest stars in the sky and it is impossible to avoid seeing.

As I was thinking this, I realized the night was becoming quite dark, and plenty of stars were now visible. It was as if I had done this every day, how easy it was to find Miley's star. I lay down on my back and felt home and content for the first time in a long time. I stared up at Miley, my star in the sky, one of the brightest things lighting up the night.

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